i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
