did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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