he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
