I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
