you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
