My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
