On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
