quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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