is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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