you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
