Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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