he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
