How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
