Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
