Umm I'm too high to move.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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