While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
