nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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