She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
there was a trapeze. enough said
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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