Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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