you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
