Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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