Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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