I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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