sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
