my phone needs a breathalizer
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
