I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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