Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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