the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
