She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
