Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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