Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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