am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He shit in the fireplace
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
