i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
