I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
