I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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