He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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