just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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