every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
