I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
