I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
