It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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