someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
