I think I won the penis lottery.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
