I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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