She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
