i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
