Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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