Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
