we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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