my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
